1 in 5 relationships now begin on an online dating site!

The commercials for online dating sites all have one thing in common: They‘re all slightly…fucking hilarious. They say things like, “did you know 1 in 5 relationships now begin on an online dating site?!” and “our site has produced  more lasting relationships and marriages than any other site!” They also all showcase their most amazing success stories. “Bob & Jill met on Match.com and now they’re just so happy, blah blah blah.” How much are they paying these people to go on TV? I hope it’s a lot, because they look dumb. I find it especially funny that the only people you ever see on the commercials are the really, really good-looking ones. There are plenty of uglies online and c’mon, I know the truth, online dating sites (yes, even fucking eHarmony.com) are all just meat markets. At least on Adult Friend Finder they’re not misleading anyone. “Join our site! Meet someone to fuck!”

Now, you’re all asking yourselves, “how the fuck does he know so much?” Easy, I’m really fucking smart. Also, I have a shitload of online dating experience. What’s that mean? I’ve had a shitload of meaningless sex…and I’ve dated a few chicks here and there.

So why doesn’t online dating work? Well, the answer is…it does work. It works just as well as regular dating, anyway. However, just like with everything else, people keep fucking it up. But hold up, before we go through why and how that happens, here’s a list of reasons why I think people join online dating sites. I’ve separated the list by gender.

Women (I have more experience with this gender, obviously)

1. You’re sick of the bar scene (type 1). You’re sick of going out with your girls, getting shitfaced, meeting random dudes who show interest in you and seem pretty hot, and then taking them back to your place to fuck. It makes you feel slutty and you think online dating will prevent that from happening in the future.

2. You’re sick of the bar scene (type 2). You actually go to the bar hoping and praying that a hot guy will show interest in you so you can take him home for a little fucky fucky (or maybe just a movie and some cuddling). But, when you go to the bar, the only guys who show interest in you are sleazy and/or 20-30 years your senior. Occasionally you still take one home. Later on, you end up with a stalker. You think you can get more attractive men to show interest in you online.

3. You just got out of a relationship (type 1). You’re feeling like you need to find someone to fill the void but you need to get to know someone quickly. You know if you meet someone at the bar, you probably won’t get to know anything legitimate about him until he texts you three days after you have meaningless, drunken sex (if he texts you at all).

4. You just got out of a relationship (type 2). You are completely against online dating but your friends think it’d be a fun way to get you back on the horse. Perhaps one of them met her extremely sweet boyfriend on an online dating site. Reluctantly you agree to let your friends create a profile for you. Fuck, maybe they even help you decide which emails to reply to. How thoughtful of them.

5. You just think it might be a fun thing to try. You don’t really care what happens.

Men

1. You want sex. Period. That’s all. And you know there are plenty of desperate women on online dating sites.

2. You aren’t able to work up the courage to talk to the women you’re interested in when you see them at the bar or anywhere else. Online dating allows you to postpone the initial awkwardness until the first date.

3. Like some nonchalant women, you just think it might be a fun thing to try. You don’t really care what happens.

Don’t these reasons seem eerily similar to the reasons you might have to ask a friend to set you up on a blind date? That’s because they are…only with online dating, you can learn about your prospective dates before going out with them. It’s sort of diabolical, really. Well, unless the person you’re learning about is a total liar…which brings me to another reason people date online. I left this reason off the separate gender lists because a lot of members of both sexes are guilty of it. So, obviously online you can be whoever you want to be. You think maybe if you put a bunch of untrue-but-likeable things on your profile, people will show more interest, and then when you meet, miraculously those things will be true. What world are you living in? People are dumb, but they’re not that dumb. This is the first reason why online dating doesn’t work.

I’m going to refer only to women in this section because I have only dealt directly with women when it comes to dating. I know, that’s a surprise to some of you. Alright, on to ODD (online dating dishonesty). Now, before I go and get all harsh with women who aren’t honest about themselves online, I feel like I should explain why I think they do it. It’s pretty simple really, it’s a lot of shame and a huge lack of self-love. Look, ladies, you have to know that this isn’t a good thing. But, for whatever reason, you think someone else is going to love you when deep down you hate yourself. Trust me when I tell you, this is never going to happen. Before you put yourself out there as someone looking for a date, you have to become okay with who you are. So, let’s focus on the first thing anyone looking at your profile is going to see: your picture. If you only upload photos of yourself that make you look like you’re not a lazy slob, you’re fucking up (unless you’re not a lazy slob, then go right ahead!). Newsflash: when you meet a guy for a date, he’s going to see your flaws because we’re all at least a little superficial and most of us are pretty observant. If you haven’t shown him your flaws, he is going to expect you to be flawless. Hey, you can’t blame him, we’re all a little naive that way. Anyway, from the moment you first meet him, he’s going to start thinking of ways to save the situation. He’s either going to try to get into your pants or he’s going to conveniently get a text or call from someone to bail him out. That’s if you’re lucky, some guys will actually date you simply because they know they can get you to do anything they want you to. Why? Because it’s painfully obvious you don’t love yourself. It’s okay, ladies, I understand and because I understand, here are a few things you might try if you want to avoid being that girl. Obviously none of us are flawless, but you can start by making yourself a little more attractive. This might be accomplished by going to the gym, eating right, or wearing different clothes. But, remember, nothing will do you any good if you can’t gain some self-love in the process. You’re never going to get someone to love you otherwise. So, learn to love yourself so you can take pictures without shame. If you can’t do that, you shouldn’t even bother. Also, learn how to use the english language correctly so you don’t sound like a moron.

Okay, I was pretty hard just now on all of the girls who are struggling to find ways to be more attractive, but that doesn’t mean the ones who already look attractive are any better off. There are plenty of smoking hot women trolling the online dating sites for dudes and a lot of you have the same dooming flaw: you date the wrong guys. Shit, your whole reason for being online is that you don’t want to date the wrong guys anymore. Your profile even says something like, “looking for a sweet guy who can make me laugh!” The problem is, you keep thinking you’re going to meet a sweet guy who can make you laugh without forcing you to miss out on pure, pornographic, male model hotness. Sorry, ladies, but most men don’t fit this mold. Just the same, you pick the hot guys and hope they’ll keep you laughing and always remember your birthday. But, even though you realize pretty early on that they aren’t sweet and funny, you keep thinking you can change them. Unfortunately, while a guy who isn’t that attractive physically can get into better shape and be much more attractive, a self-centered guy with a shitty personality isn’t going to learn to be more caring and he isn’t going to suddenly be hilarious. You can’t teach that shit. Don’t be stupid, ladies.

I’ve been through two reasons why online dating fails for women, but there’s one more obvious one…Most of you are dating online because you are sick of a certain kind of guy or certain kinds of interactions with those guys (back to the meaningless sex again). So, I’m going to be blunt here. If you are so intent on finding something meaningful, you might stop loading your profiles with so many fucking pictures of yourselves out getting wasted with your tits hanging out of your way-too-skimpy dresses. When guys see pictures of you looking slutty, they’re going to think you’re slutty. Stop allowing guys to treat you like sluts. Enablers.

And if you think only the fat, ugly girls don’t love themselves, realize that the second and third reasons why women fail at online dating are just as indicative of a lack of self-love as the first. So, stop being stupid and thinking that just because you’re hot you’re going to find someone else to solve your “why the fuck can’t I find love?” conundrum. The rules aren’t different for you. Get over yourself.

Alright, let’s just accept that the regular denial of self-love is the main reason online dating doesn’t work. Hell, honestly, let’s accept that it’s the main reason dating in general doesn’t work. There. I said it.

…Also, PLENTYOFFISH.COM is virtually the same as all of the other “pay-to-play” dating sites and it’s free. You should probably check it out if you’re considering trying online dating.

Love is real, people. Stop fucking it up. It’s pretty simple. Love yourself. Find love. Be happy. Don’t do any sappy fucking online dating site commercials.